Reasons why I have been inactive. I understand some people won’t want a long text post on their dash, so I’ll add a break here. Please read on, it would mean the world to me.
Unless you’re reading from Deviant Art, in that case then just keep reading.
Firstly I want everyone to understand that this is very difficult for me to talk about, but I feel I need to, to get it off my chest.
Over the past few years I have been ill. Not physically, but mentally. About a year and a half ago now I took a serious turn for the worst. This is pretty much where I became inactive. Sure I still reblog the odd thing or two on tumblr but my personal creations came to an end. I even had a list of requests that I just deleted, and I have not yet forgiven myself for doing that. I feel like I let all those down who asked for one and to those people, I am sorry.
As the months went by I got worse and worse. Depression was set deeply in, it had it’s claws out and wasn’t letting go. I alienated those I loved, felt too down to even say “hi”. Those people in question, I will link them directly to this post, so if I linked you directly, I am deeply sorry and can only hope you’ll forgive me.
More months went on, my mood got lower, my self esteem took hit after hit and was virtually not existent. I was a wreck and also, as much as I hate to admit it, I was suicidal. A few times I walked up to the cliffs near my house with the intention of jumping, but I’m now glad that I didn’t.
Fast forward to about 2 months ago. I finally started reaching out for help, I finally acknowledged that I am Ill and that I need help. I went to the doctor and am now in therapy. I’m also on medication as well.
So some of you may now be wondering why I’m posting this. I’m partly trying to say sorry to those people who were affected, but mainly, this is to prove something to myself. To prove to myself that my self confidence is returning, that my mental state is improving. I sit here typing this, hands shaking, feeling like I’m going to cry, but knowing that If I can click that post button, it will be a huge step in the right direction.
As for the future, I don’t know. I don’t know if i’ll pull through this. Who’s to say that in a month or so I wouldn’t have had a relapse and be right back where I started. But right now that doesn’t worry me, that is the future, this is now.
Thank you for reading.